One time, I was waiting in line at the department store, and the woman ahead of me was complaining they don’t give out bags for free any more, because of the environment.

“I kind of like it,” I said when she turned to me for agreement.

“I guess you think you’re better than me,” she snapped.

Another time, I posted online some of the things I do to reduce my energy use, things I do to make me feel less helpless about living in a capitalist society. A man I did not know accused me of “virtue signaling.”

Apparently I hurt those people’s feelings, and so they did their best to hurt mine. 

Funny the things that stick with you. 

At a Star Trek convention once, a folklorist was interviewing people for a paper she was writing about who they preferred, Batman or Superman. I bet a lot of people said Batman. I said Superman, because I know who I would prefer as a boyfriend. 

See, Batman has no superpowers. He’s just rich and tortured, he has a lot of violent toys, and he likes to dress up in a bulky suit with nipples and drive a big car. I had a boyfriend like that once. Most of the money was his ex-wife’s, it was a Jaguar XKE he had, and he mostly wore preppy stuff, but you know what I mean. 

And I had another boyfriend who had a boa constrictor (and also a sports car, now that I think of it), and he tried to frighten me with the boa constrictor. I like snakes. They are remarkably innocent and they don’t have arms, whether that is relevant or not. The snake didn’t try to frighten me on purpose, is what I’m saying.

Superman’s costume is all him, though. Also, he would not try to frighten me with a snake.

I bet Superman picks up people’s dropped phones on the bus, and he gives up his seat to old people. I bet he hangs his cape up to dry on the line instead of putting it in the dryer. He carries a reusable bag, and except when he is flying through the air, he takes public transportation. I bet he doesn’t even own a car. He would take his bathrobe to the dry cleaner to be shortened when he trips over the hem, instead of throwing it out and buying a new one. He gives great shoulder rubs. He does the dishes without making a big deal about it. And though he does get his feelings hurt sometimes, he doesn’t brood and snap, not like Batman. 

If the police send up a bat signal when they want help, who comes when I send up a virtue signal? Clearly Superman.

If I send up a virtue signal, Superman lands with a flutter of his cape and a smile, and he helps me clean and fold all the old clothes I am donating, so the people who sort them at the charity don’t get annoyed and sad about donors just tossing their dirty stuff in a bag. He gives me a shoulder rub, for sure, and he puts the dishes away, because I have a dishwasher and I actually don’t need anyone to wash my dishes. If I’m in a bad mood, he listens to me and then lets me brood and snap without taking it personally.

Then he flies off to do good in the world, instead of sticking around in a pool of darkness and self-pity. Before he leaves, he puts a little heart on a sticky note and leaves it for me to find, because he is a giant nerd. 

And he never, ever, tries to make me feel bad on purpose, though every once in a while he does it by accident. because he’s so obviously much nicer than I am.