I have a number of buddies who sometimes call or text me, and they ask me for advice. This comes as a surprise to me. There’s always this blank moment where all I can think is, “You’re asking me?” 

Then I listen for a bit. I’m not terribly patient, so this is hard. 

If they still have a question once they’re done telling me, I make a suggestion. Sometimes two.

I start off by saying I have been through what they’re going through, and at the time I didn’t handle it particularly well. I tell them the story of me not handling it well, and make them laugh ruefully. 

I tell them I don’t know what the right thing is to do, not really. Then I say one or more of the following pieces of (probably terrible) things:

• Damn, that sucks. That’s not fair.
• This is how everybody feels. It’s not just you.
• Be kind. But not too kind. Sometimes people are just creepers.
• Eat something/Drink some water/Are you getting enough sleep?/Are you coming down with something? This weather is terrible. I hate this time of year.
• Who told us we were supposed to feel good when things go wrong?  That’s bullshit. 
• Stop looking at social media, for Christ’s sake. It’s just there to make you feel bad about yourself.
• How is any of this your problem?
• Sounds like someone is being an asshole here. Is it you or the other person?
• I notice a pattern here. No? Okay. 
• Now is not the time to quit smoking/go on a diet/quit your job.
• Stop picking on yourself. You are not the worst person in the world. Imagine the worst person in the world. Seriously. Get a grip.*
• You deserve better. Why are you putting up with him/her/them/this situation?
• Sometimes you just want your loved one to leave town, or you want them to go and die, even though you love them. The feeling passes. Eventually. Don’t kill them right now.
• You are absolutely entitled to feel sorry for yourself right now. You can feel sorry for yourself for say, half an hour, and then call me back, all right?
• Trust in God, whom I don’t believe in, or at least trust in something bigger than yourself. Damned if I know what it is you’re supposed to be trusting in, but it works for me. 
• What’s right in front of you? That’s your reality. Everything else is a story you are telling yourself.
• Don’t borrow trouble. But always say something if you see someone being mistreated, harassed, or boxed in a corner, at least if you can see a convenient exit.
• You probably did the right thing, but it’s still not gonna feel good.
• You probably shouldn’t have done that, but, well, you did, so what are you going to do about it? Yeah, you should probably apologize, as long as you apologize for what you did and say you won’t do it again, without excuses.
• Don’t expect anyone else to solve your problems. Especially me. 
• Call me later on today to tell me how you’re doing. Text me to tell me you got home okay.

My friends keep calling me, so I haven’t probably offended them sufficiently yet.

Sometimes I call them for the same kind of thing, when I can’t take my own advice, and in turn they tell me the same stuff. 

Basically all people seem to need is someone who will listen to them and pretend to give them some advice.  

They aren’t actually going to take any  of the advice, which is reassuring. I would hate to think anyone listened to any of this.

* I have my limits when it comes to advice. If someone is confiding in me that they have just murdered someone, abused a child, or set a house on fire, I am not a psychiatrist, a lawyer, or a priest, and I’m gonna call someone who will stop them. It’s ingrained in me, because I was a career teacher and therefore a mandated reporter. Human beings conceal horrific crimes because they feel sorry for the criminal, and that’s not right.